When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
