you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
