i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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