you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You left your phone here
Wait...
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