I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
the liver wants what the liver wants
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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