His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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