if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
