we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
