I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
