just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
