I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
