I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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