i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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