Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
