I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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