I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
