I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
why is half of my head shaved?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
