a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
