They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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