the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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