Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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