Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You can't motorboat a personality
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
