i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize