I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Every concussion has its silver lining
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
