he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
