Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I am naked and annoyed.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
