There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
