mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
40s are totally the cure
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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