... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
