i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
