so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize