you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
