So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
