____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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