did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
