so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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