dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
