My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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