now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize