My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
