i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
