did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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