the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize