He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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