Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
