I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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