I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hippo gnu deer
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Randomize
