i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
