non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
