yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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