i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
