Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize