My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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