real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize