Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
